I'll Be
by f4breeze
Summary: Description: What if? I guess that's the question. What if Campbell Saunders never died? What if Maya caught on to Cam's behavior sooner? What if everything that had happened was all prevented? What if? AU
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

"You see now if I were able to switch to right wing that would be the solution to all of my problems! I've got to talk to coach about this." Cam says to Maya, while smiling excitingly at the computer screen. "That's great, Cam." Maya says, before pausing, thinking over how to slip an apology into their conversation.

"Hey Cam," she takes a deep breath in, "I'm sorry about the other day. I hope the guys didn't work you too hard." Campbell's eyes don't meet her own, he just shrugs off the comment.

"No big deal, I've got to stay in shape anyway right?" He half laughs, reassuring Maya he was being serious.

_"Move your ass Rook! Let's go!" Mike Dallas yells from the side of the rink as he watches Cam struggle to catch his breath. "Push it! Faster!" He continued to scream as other team mates chuckled at Cam's misery and pain. He soon couldn't take it any longer. This is what he gets when he tries to have some fun. Cam falls to the ground in a large sweaty heap, his breathing staggered and choppy. He lies there almost motionless as he tries to regain fresh air into his lungs._

"Yeah I guess," Maya begins, not completely believing what Cam's saying. Her eyes follow the outline and detail of his face, looking for a sign. Any type of sign that would tell her what he's really feeling. Her eyes lock with a white bandage wrapped tightly around his hand. "What happened?" she asks, grabbing his hand lightly, trying to get a closer look. Cam immediately pulls back, tugging his sweatshirt sleeve over the bandage. "I was messing around with the guys the other day, no big deal." Maya nods, understanding that was the end of the conversation just in time for the bell to ring.

"_That's what happens when you abandon your team. We're all you have here, Cam. Whether you think so or not, you need us. So get yourself together man, and think before you blow us off again. That was just the beginning." Captain Dallas walks out of the locker room leaving Campbell in deep thought. His hair's dripping with sweat as he sits alone in the locker room. His breath quickens as thoughts rush threw the boys mind. He tugs violently at his damp hair begging for the thoughts to go away. _

_In anger he picks up one of his skates, gripping tightly to the blade and chucking it across the abandoned room. His heart pounds, as a soothing feeling finally takes over his body. He looks down at his hand to see a strip of warm blood seeping from a cut he had just given himself moments ago. The sophomore quickly grabs a towel to wrap the wound and sits back on the bench, as he softly cries. _

* * *

"Mr. Saunders! Over here!"  
"Campbell! What was it like scoring the winning goal for your team!"  
"Cam! Cam!"

Cameras, reporters, and lights crowd Cam's vision as he tries to exit the locker room. His game was amazing, and everyone wanted a piece of Campbell Saunders. He stands there, frozen with fear before Dallas pushes the men and women out of the way telling Cam he'll handle it. He closes the door behind him and the room is silent once again. Cam panics, pacing back in forth in the locker room. A grim thought passes through his head as he picks up his skate. It's place against his hand ready to do the damage, when he stops. He thinks of Maya and how she was there cheering him on. Maya. He thinks of her smile and laugh. He thinks of how happy he is with her. Left in defeat he drops the skate, feeling completely emotionally drained.

* * *

"Going somewhere?" Cam's head spins to find the owner of the voice, that had just caught him packing his suitcase. "Hey, What are you doing here?" He asks Maya. She walks towards him holding out a stack of binders, "I told your billet dad I was just dropping off some of your homework from today."

_"I'm just worried Tor," Maya sighs. She looks down at her phone again, no answer from Cam. "He's not in school, he hasn't answered any of my texts. Tori, what if something happened?"_

_"Go and see him." the bouncy brunette suggests. "Go after school, and bring his missed work so you have an excuse. I bet he'll like that." Maya smiles and thanks her friend as they walk off to last period together. _

"What's going on?" the blonde asks, a worried expression taking place on her face. Campbell takes no time to think of a response before saying, "I'm going home." his hands moving quickly to fill his half packed bag. "I'm done with hockey. I'm done with all _this_." he waves his arms in the air.

"But you did amazing in that last game. You won. I don't understand. I thought that was supposed to make you happy." Maya says, trying to understand what drove Cam to the idea of leaving.

"Well it didn't, okay?" His eyes fill with sadness and he takes a deep breath. "I'm sad. And I just want it to go away."

"Everyone gets sad once and a while, isn't quitting a little bit extreme?" she asks. "I don't want to see you make a drastic decision just because you're sad." Cam throws down a shirt he'd been folding, and Maya can see the tears form out of the corners of his eyes.

"You think I _want_ to feel like this?" He asks, his voice cracking. "I am all out of ideas Maya. It's like my head isn't screwed on right." He sighs, taking a seat on his bed. Maya walks to sit next to him. "Maybe you need a break," she begins, "spend some more time with your friends," she pauses before finishing, "more time with me."

"I just want to be happy Maya." Cam says. His puppy like eyes are wet with tears. "Good," Maya says with a smile, "Then be happy. We'll work through this Cam, okay? I know things are rough, being away from home and all. But I want you to know that I am here no matter what. I'm not leaving you alone in this." She leans in leaving a sweet kiss on Cam's cheek. "I know I don't understand everything that you're going through, but I really hope that one day you'll let me know. I want to help you Cam. I hate seeing you like so sad." She rose up from her seat, getting ready to leave. "See you tomorrow, Cam."

Before she is able to leave, Cam grabs her hand, "Thank you, Maya," she gives him a friendly smile. "That homework's real by the way." They share a laugh before Maya's out the door and yet somehow after all of that, Cam felt even more alone then he did moments before. And not knowing the reason why, terrified him to tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hey guys sorry for no note in the last chapter. I'm new here. Bitter Sweet Symphony took my breath away. Cam's death really hit me hard, and yes even 2 weeks later, I am still struggling to recover from it all. So this is my thoughts on if Cam's behavior was picked up on a while sooner, and how it would affect Cam's life as well as their relationship. So read, review and enjoy! **

* * *

Chapter 2

Cam rocks forward and back on his heels, his hands grasp the balcony ledge so tight his knuckles turn white. He lets out staggered breaths as his nervous eyes scan the empty room below him. Thinking about the previous day with Maya, he questions whether or not he should follow through, but quickly pushes the doubtful thoughts from him mind.

"Come on Saunders, just do it. No more hockey, more time with Maya," he thinks to himself. "No more hockey, more time with Maya," he repeats to him self over and over again, his eyes shut tightly. An instant before letting himself go, a voice stopped him.

"Cam?" It sounded worried, but he refused to open his eyes. "Cam, what are you doing?" He knew the voice, he knew it anywhere.

_[Flashback]_

_"I just want to be happy Maya." Cam says. His puppy like eyes are wet with tears. "Good," Maya says with a smile, "Then be happy. We'll work through this Cam, okay? I know things are rough, being away from home and all. But I want you to know that I am here no matter what. I'm not leaving you alone in this." She leans in leaving a sweet kiss on Cam's cheek. "I know I don't understand everything that you're going through, but I really hope that one day you'll let me know. I want to help you Cam. I hate seeing you like so sad." She rose up from her seat, getting ready to leave. "See you tomorrow, Cam."_

_"_Campbell!" the voice rang once more through his ears, bringing him back to reality. That sweet, sincere voice he had heard the day before, was now lost. Maya's voice shook as she looked up at Campbell. "Don't do it, Cam," she whispered too quietly for him to hear. "Don't move, Cam," the worried girl said much louder this time, as she quickly made her way up the steps to her boyfriend.

She is only feet away, as she slows down her pace, frightened that at any minute Campbell could let go and fall to the ground, injuring himself pretty bad. Taking her time to reach him, she lightly places her hand on his shoulder, feeling his jolt to the feel of her touch. "Cam, please," she begs, "Step away from there. This isn't the solution."

"It's the only choice!" Cam yells; he's crying now. "I have to. If I'm hurt that means more time with you."  
"This isn't the only way, there are other ways to find more time to spend together." Maya picks her words carefully unsure of how Cam could respond to any of them. He was scaring her, a lot. This wasn't like him. Everything seemed fine when she left his house.

"Please, Cam," she begged again, not even noticing shes beginning to cry. Campbell turns his head to look at her, and for the first time, Maya can see the sadness that rests in the poor boy's eyes. He slowly climbs off the ledge with shaky hands and the blonde wastes no time to wrap her arms around him. Her body collides with his as her arms lock around his neck, and his find her waist. She feels his weak body tremble as Campbell breaks down in her arms. "Shh, Cam it's okay. You're okay." Maya coos, hugging him tighter, scared of what might have happened if she hadn't seen him sooner.

Maya's the first to pull away, taking a good look at Cam. He sniffs, and looks away, trying not to meet her gaze. He's scared of what she might say; what she might do. He's relieved when she says, "Come on Cam. Let's get you home.

The walk from Degrassi was silent and by the time they arrive back at Cam's billet home, his tears have subsided and he had felt completely drained. Maya leads Cam to his room as they both take a seat on his bed.

"Cam, do you want to talk?" Maya asked, taking her boy friends hands in her own. "I don't really know what to say," Campbell began. "I just feel so- so tired and sick. And I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I don't know what to do, I don't know.." his voice fades as he's at a loss for words."What were you trying to do this afternoon, hurt yourself? Why would you want to do something that like?" Cam inhaled deeply before answering. "I tried t-to hurt myself, get myself out of hockey for a few weeks. I'm sick of it. The pressure of the NHL, everyone on the team hates me, and being away from home is horrible." His lays down, and closes his eyes. "I'm tired."

"I'll let you get some sleep then," she starts to get up before a hand pulls her back. "Stay, please." Campbell begs. She agrees, taking her place laying beside Cam. She snuggles into his chest and feels his strong embrace wrap around her. After only a short amount of time, Maya hears the soothing sound of Cam easy breathing; he's fallen asleep. She looks up at the peacefully sleeping boy, wondering how such a beautiful person could be so damaged; and how on earth will she be able to help.

* * *

**AN: Sorry this chapter kind of stunk. When I began this story it was just me wishing that someone caught on to Cam's situation sooner. I'm honestly not sure where this is going, or if it'll even be good. Updates will be slow, softball starting up. So pleaseeee review and be patience for updates! Thank youu !**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Wow guys it's been a while hasn't it. I really apologize. Softball has been crazy. Tryouts have been all week and I'm currently on 3 teams. Practice every day sometimes even twice (like tomorrow). Just bear with me guys thanksss 3 enjoyy!**

* * *

Chapter 3

It had been hours since Maya had taken Cam home. He had slipped into a deep sleep an hour earlier, but Maya just couldn't rest. Her head was spinning with thoughts and concerns. The blonde girl nudged her head deeper into her boyfriend's chest, feeling the warmth of his body. The sound of his heart beat comforted her, until her thoughts took her to a dark place. _What if his heart was to stop beating, what if he was to -. No, stop Maya. _She thought. She couldn't think like that. Cam wouldn't do something like that; would he?

The next few weeks went by slowly. Maya had hardly seen Cam, but worried about him every day. She was at her locker when she felt a pair of tight arms wrap around her waist. She turned to see a smiling Campbell Saunders staring at her.  
"Hi M," he said grabbing her waist. It was like yesterday didn't even happen. "Hi Cheesy," she said smiling back. "Do me a favor," he began, "Come to my practice today. I love when you watch me play."

"Hm, I don't know." Maya teased and the boy. He flashed her his famous puppy dog eyes and pouting lips, until she finally gave in. "Okay, okay," she said. "I'd love to."

Only a few hours later she watched Cam work harder then she'd even seen. Mike Dallas really pushed the team hard. She could only imagine how tough he was on Cam after their night at Little Miss Steaks. She must have been lost in her thoughts for a while because she jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Maya, you okay?" Cam asked. His hair was wet and matted from sweat.  
"Yeah, fine!" She said with a smile. "Want to head back to my place to study for a bit?" Campbell shook his head. "Not so fast. Remember that time you told me you didn't really like hockey?" She nodded, "Well yeah, I never really learned how to skate, how can I like a sport I couldn't even try." She hung her head in shame.  
"Exactly," Cam said, taking a seat next to his girlfriend. "So.. I was thinking maybe you could learn." He reached into his bag and pulled out an extra pair of skates. "Campbell Saunders, are you crazy?" Cam thought for a minute, contemplating what she had just said before showing her his thumb and pointer finger lightly close together, "Little bit."

It was obvious Maya was new to the ice, she practically had a death grip along the edge of the rink. "Come on Maya!" Cam called from across the rink. He skated at full speed towards her. She screamed, as it didn't look as if he was going to stop. But just at the last second, he came to a quick halt sending ice shaving flying into the air. "Show off." Maya huffed. "Come on, let go of the railing already!" he whined, as he began to skate backwards. "No, I'm going to fall!" Soon Cam was by her side once more. "I would never let the happen." he whispered in her ear.

One had at a time she released the railing, taking Cam's hands in her own. She stood on the ice, legs locked tightly, as fear came over her face. Campbell's hands held tightly to hers as he began to skate slowing, making sure she wouldn't fall.

"See you've got it!" He exclaimed with excitement. Soon enough Maya had found her balance and began skating around the whole rink. "Cam look!" she yelled to him. She was skating right towards him when she remembered something. She didn't know how to stop. "Look out!" She was just about to loose her balance when strong arms enveloped her in safety. "I told you I'd never let you fall."

* * *

Cam couldn't stop thinking about his day with Maya. He couldn't be anything but happy when he was with her. But when he wasn't. I guess you can say that was a different story. The sadness and loneliness that had been almost non existent all day had found a way into his mind when he finally got home. Piles of homework he didn't understand sat on his desk. "Parent's" that weren't even his sat in the kitchen. He sat on a bed he didn't even find comfortable.

Everything sat; in place. un-moving. That's when things became bad again. When he sat. When it was quiet. When he was alone.

The thoughts, they were coming back. _Why do I feel like this. Why me? What if I wasn't this amazing hockey player. What if I never left home. What if I could just maybe end it - No Cam. Stop it. Maya needs you. You're here for Maya. _Cam took a deep breath repeating his final thought. "I'm here for Maya." He couldn't do something like that; could he?

* * *

Maya sat at home, thinking about her day with Cam. She had never had so much fun in her life. _He's amazing. _Maya thought back to the day before. The day when she thought Cam had had enough. He was broken. He was in tears. That was nowhere near the Campbell Saunders she saw today. It didn't make sense. She jumped onto her laptop typing _Signs of Depression_ into the search engine. _  
_

**What Are Symptoms of Depression?**

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

**Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions**

_[Flashback]_

_"Cam," Maya waved her hand in front of Cam's face. He was obviously distant. He was barely paying any attention to the lession Madame had been teaching. "Cam you okay?" she asked, not thinking much of it. "Yeah fine." he answered quickly. "Sorry, but what are we supposed to be doing? I guess I zoned out. Lost in my thoughts," he paused for a moment before adding, "about hockey of course."_

**Fatigue and decreased energy**

_[Flashback]_

_"Cam, do you want to talk?" Maya asked, taking her boy friends hands in her own. "I don't really know what to say," Campbell began. "I just feel so- so tired and sick. And I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I don't know what to do,__I don't know.." his voice fades as he's at a loss for words._Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

**Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism**

**Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping**

**Irritability, restlessnessLoss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable**

_[Flashback]_

_"I tried t-to hurt myself, get myself out of hockey for a few weeks. I'm sick of it. The pressure of the NHL, everyone on the team hates me, and being away from home is horrible." His lays down, and closes his eyes. "I'm tired."_

**Overeating or appetite loss**

**Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment**

**Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings**

**Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts**

Cam had been experiencing some of the signs she read on her laptop screen. He was starting to hate hockey, he never ate as much as he used to, he had told Maya how worthless he feels sometimes. He doesn't sleep as well as he used too. Everything was making sense. Every symptom fit Campbell. Every symptom but the last.

_Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts.._

Maya couldn't help but hope, that sign was left untouched. She had to tell someone. She couldn't let Cam suffer in silence and sure as hell knew she couldn't handle it herself. So she thought of the only logical idea.

She had to tell Mike Dallas.

* * *

**OMG okay so I was writing this all night! I knew I had to update for you guys and_ quick_ at that! I'm so sorry, but honesty it will be a while until I can write a longish chapter again. Time is so scrunched! I'm sorry if this is bad, I just wanted to get something out there for you all that do read this! The symptoms I found, I got off the internet so I did not just think of them all. and I had a tab open on my laptop to copy them and I think my sister saw it. I'm scared she might think I'm depressed now or something! I hope not, that's just what I need, but anyway, I'm done now enjoy kbyeee!**

**Btw if I could get 5 or more reviews before the next chapter I will love you all forever! 3**


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